take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
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If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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