she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
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You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
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I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
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