does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
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Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
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easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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