Even the bartender felt bad for me
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
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She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
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The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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