When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip πππ
Your skills amaze me
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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