You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
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Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
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I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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