She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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