Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
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You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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