You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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