I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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