I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
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he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
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Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
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