why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
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Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
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We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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