When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
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I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
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Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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