In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
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You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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