Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
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we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
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i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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