you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just threw up on my dentist
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
How external is "for external use only"?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
That was before I lit my hair on fire
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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