She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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