drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
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make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
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The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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