so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
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Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
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Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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