I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
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There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
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Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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