im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
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so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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