I just saw a hot homeless man
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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