Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
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I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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