My friends, they love my intelligence
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
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I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
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Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
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