I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
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i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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