he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
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I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
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No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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