Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
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I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
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You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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