She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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