shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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