i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
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I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
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We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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