I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
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It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
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I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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