I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize