i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize