just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
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Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
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That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize