I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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