Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
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this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
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If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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