i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
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i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
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If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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