I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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