Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
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My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
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Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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