I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
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