EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just want to make out with him forever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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