I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
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But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
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IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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