remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
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Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
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I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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