ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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