I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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