there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
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I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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