The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
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She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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