She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
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OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
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Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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