It's like a parade of train wrecks.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
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Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
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There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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