Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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